It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for my second #Row80 check-in! So far I’m totally digging this blog hop–I’ve been very productive, and it’s nice to have a community of people to battle alongside!
So. To business. Since my last check-in, I’ve written 2,349 words of DIVE–that’s 849 more words than my goal! WOOT! I’m going to keep on keeping on, but here’s a quick excerpt from what I wrote this week. (UPDATE: this is a revised version, using the comments below, but please feel free to give me more feedback!)
Something warm tickles my side. I scramble away from where I am resting, but my skin continues to pulse with heat. I feel around, trying to find the source, until my fingers trace along a bump at my hip. I slip my hand into the waist of my harakeke and pull out the stone I found in the lagoon. I had almost forgotten it was there—it feels as if I found it years ago, though it was only yesterday.
The grey stone sits heavy in my palm, and though it is a little warm, I cannot account for how hot it felt only a moment ago. I rub my thumb along the thin crack that runs up the center of the stone. I don’t know why I’ve kept it—surely the shimmer I saw in the lagoon was a trick of the light, just as the heat at my side was nothing more than a daydream.
And yet…I put it back into my pocket.
If you have any suggestions as to how I might improve the prose, let me know in the comments. This part is important, so I want it to really shine. 🙂
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Excited to read this Lauren!! It’s really coming along! My only big comment would be how many times you use variations of the word “feel.” It interrupted my reading experience – which i so dearly did not want disturbed! Looking forward to reading more! =)
I think this works so well just the way it is. The only thing that jumped out was the two sentences that start with “I feel” … I like the second one better, because feeling around for the source of the warmth is what you’d do. (Unless you changed it to “fumble around” or something, but I’m not sure that works as simply as “feel”) A possible way to start the first sentence could be a variation on “There’s something warm at my side.”
I’m hooked and want to know what happens next! Have fun writing!
Thank you both!! I made some changes 🙂
You’ve certainly created a sense that this stone is important. And better yet, you make it clear the narrator isn’t ready to know yet. Nice piece, Lauren
Great job on exceeding your word count goal for the week, Lauren! I’ll second your “WOOT!” =*)
What I get from reading this excerpt:
-When I first read “until my fingers trace along a bump at my hip” I thought the narrator had injured herself (why do I assume the narrator is a she? but I do) and the bump was like a raised bruise or something like that.
-“the stone I found in the lagoon. I had almost forgotten it was there—it feels as if I found it years ago, though it was only yesterday.” The way this is phrased plants suspicion in my mind. I think that the narrator has been through an adventure or something traumatic since yesterday, and the stone is somehow responsible for that adventure or trauma.
-“Something warm tickles my side. I scramble away from where I am resting” The fact that the narrator’s reaction to something warm “tickling” her side is to scramble away lends to the interpretation that she’s been through something traumatic and intensely physical. The scrambling away seems an extreme response to a “tickle,” so I assume that it’s a PTSD-like reaction. Like someone who ducks like they’re being shot at when fireworks go off suddenly.
-“though it is a little warm, I cannot account for how hot it felt only a moment ago” It wasn’t clear to me that the stone was actually hot before. “warm tickles” doesn’t suggest “burning hot” to me.
-The passage makes me curious about what’s going on, which I think is a good thing. It raises questions I want answered, such as, “What has happened to the narrator that has made her so jumpy?” “What the heck is a ‘harakeke’ and what does that say about the culture the narrator’s from?” “What is this stone and why is it so compelling for the narrator?”
-The last line of the excerpt brings to mind people’s reactions to the ring in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which, along with the sense that the stone is somehow responsible for narrator’s trauma, makes me think the stone is evil.
Hello Lauren, nice to meet you and your writing. I will stop by more often I think 🙂 I just wanted to say thank you for following my old blog (phoenixrisesagain) and I did so on my new blog. (I hope this is working 🙂 )
Take care and thanks for sharing your work in progress!