A warm flush crept up Carly’s neck and onto her face as the crowd in the Flying Owl pressed in on her, their sweat and perfume becoming her own. She edged her way through the throng, pressing against sweaty backs and oversized purses until she came to a clearing near the bathroom. She leaned against the wall and wiped her forehead: her fingers came away shiny with sweat and make-up.
The voices of the crowd reached a crescendo, morphing into a single yell as the band walked out onto the stage. Carly tried to catch Tyler’s eye, but he bent over his amp, a crease forming between his eyes as he turned the knobs. She knew that look, and it twisted her insides to see it now.
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A tingle crept over her. She pulled her eyes away from Tyler’s face and wrapped her arms around herself, unable to shake the uncanny feeling that she was being watched. The sea of people parted, their attention everywhere but on her, and Carly locked eyes with a woman leaning against the bar. A small smile crept onto the woman’s face.
Carly searched the woman’s face for some sign of familiarity, her skin tingling more with each passing second. Carly ground her teeth. Maybe she was a security guard, looking for a chance to throw Carly out of the bar for being underage. But no, she was wearing skintight leather pants, a low-cut shirt, and her curly hair was hanging down around her shoulders – hardly the wardrobe of a security guard.
So what does she want?
Hey, this is totally different than the blurb you previously had on your website. I like it a lot. Great work.
thanks! the blurb comes from about 3/4 of the way through this chapter, but these 250 start the book. 🙂
I think this is a huge improvement from the old one, I really feel like I’m there now. There’s something throwing me about the last line though, maybe cause it’s not in italics? The tense seems wrong. I especially like the image of the girl with the silver stilettos. And having broken up the rest of the intro, I really appreciate the first line now. Great edit! 🙂
oo, great idea. thanks!
Definitely agree with Zoe–a big improvement. I definitely feel the creepy tingle now of somebody staring at you. Good job, Lauren!
This is an improvement over the last couple, which I felt kind of skimmed over the “threat” of the woman a bit. All this is pretty tough to judge being just the first blip of a novel; for all I know you may either have an even more powerful hook in the next 250 words, or it’ll meander. I’d love to read the opening chapter. For a tone setter, it’s where it’s at. So far though, I’m into the first 250 and eager to read on.
I’m so sending you the first 250 of my next novel–when I finally get to it that is:)